Love

I’ve started to believe that I will never find a true love. I don’t know why I think this. People tell me that I am pretty, some even say gorgeous. That’s a matter of opinion. But regardless of what I look like, comparing the amount of times I’ve hooked up with the amount of times I had a boyfriend is ridiculous. Especially since one of those numbers is below 1 and the other is above 10. It makes me feel hopeless because if I am as beautiful as some people say, than why doesn’t anyone like me for more than a meaningless hook up or just a friendship? I mean I totally understand that my personality affects things like that, but I’m a nice person, people do like me… I always get that question, that “So do you have a boyfriend?” Not in a way that they are asking because they are interested, but just because they’re curious. When I respond “No.” The immediate retort is “Wait, really? Why????” Well here’s your answer: FUCK OFF. I DON’T KNOW. 

I hate feeling lost. Honestly, as happy as I am right now, I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere, because I feel lost.

I told the guy that I like how I felt about him the other day. We are friends, so it went well. We were chatting and I nonchalantly said “I like you.” Then we nonchalantly chatted about that and how he thought of me now (just friends as usual) and that he wouldn’t say that there’s not a possibility of anything in the future (cliche, as usual….).  After that we nonchalantly discussed life after college and grad school, what we wanted out of our futures. The next day we sat on the bus together and were just friends. He commented on how we were able to be so mature and stuff about our nonchalant conversation. How cool? I’m proud that I was able to tell him, but I’m again really confused. I know he thinks about the fact that I like him… On the bus ride he looked at me differently. It made me happy. But regardless I wish I could make it be more. With him, with anyone, I just want more. More than what I’ve been getting. I deserve more and I know that. 

The reason I have lost faith in love is that I feel that no one loves me. That’s the true issue at hand. Hopefully, one day soon, I will be able to feel that but who knows. Right now I get to sit around watching my best friend soak up the love and sex from her boyfriend. I love her and him together, I’m glad she’s happy. But I don’t think she understands how it makes me feel, especially since I sit there listening to all of her issues with him, and I just sit there giving her advice. She never once cares to ask how I feel. I gave her a piece of my mind about how she’s self-obsessed. She gave me a response and said “Other people have said this to me too, I don’t understand it, you’re just as self-obsessed as I am.” I wanted to smack her, but being that it was an online conversation, I couldn’t. She is self-obsessed. I just agreed with her. I probably shouldn’t have, but was it really worth the fight? Probably not. A week ago I went to the Coachella Music Festival with her, her boyfriend, and his friend. I wasn’t allowed to bring a friend of mine while she and her boyfriend were all cuddly and leaving me out. Instead I was stuck with her boyfriend’s friend who I had never met prior to the weekend, was sick with a cold, and was just an extremely awkward person all together. It did not make me happy. I don’t like that telling her that will only make her upset and mad at me for having feelings. Meanwhile, my other close friends have issues of their own. I don’t fit anywhere. I hate that too. But that’s another conversation. 
The feelings I have about love need to be resolved. Being happy isn’t everything in life.

I have now realized that no matter what, there will always be something more. It’s just what we, our species, humans, do. They get what they want, and there’s something more to it. Although, what I want is to have a boyfriend who cares about ME and to love ME and to cherish ME. Happiness is just a plus. I’m willing to sacrifice things to be happy, but I’d be willing to compromise for love. Right now, I’m happy yes, but I still want a boyfriend to love me, to hold me, to tell me it will be okay when I need the reassurance. If only life was that nice. I guess I’ll just have to be grateful for what I’ve got and the happiness I’ve been given.

Tata for now dearies.  

2 years ago  /  Notes